So, I have been avoiding writing the last couple of days, because I have been allowing myself to wallow in self-pity. The problem with allowing myself to wallow in self-pity for too long, is it eventually turns to depression. I realized yesterday that it reached that point when I didn’t get out of bed until 2pm and just couldn’t stop crying. I often will isolate when I am in these moods, and the few times I do show my face in public (including Facebook), I put on a fake happy front. This blog, however, has become the one place I don’t want to do that. So, rather then put on the happy front, I have just been avoiding writing.
This week has been especially hard emotionally for me because of the never-ending Mother’s Day commercials on tv, the radio, in store windows, etc… Mother’s Day for me is like Christmas is for a lot of people. I get really down and depressed. I do not speak to my mother and today, for me, is a day devoted to reminding me that for all intents and purposes I do not have a mother. My mother is alive, in fact I pass her house every day on the way too and from work, but I have barely seen or spoken to her in about a year and a half. I won’t go into details about why we don’t speak, but I will say that her and I have had a very difficult relationship since I was a teenager. There have been numerous times over the years when I have gone several months without speaking with her, but I usually have allowed myself to be guilted in to seeing or speaking with her around holiday or her birthday. This is the first time that I have held strong to my resolve to not speak with her.
I do not regret my decision, it has been the best decision I ever made for my emotional well being. That doesn’t mean though that I don’t often feel guilty, and that it isn’t hard. I often hear my friends talk about their relationships with their mothers, and how their mother’s are their best friends. This is something that I often envy, but don’t understand. It is something that I wistfully dream of, even though I know it will never happen.
Like all things in the universe though, when you are lacking in one area of your life, the universe tries to make up for it in another area. While I may not have the best mother in the world, I do have the most amazing father. In a lot of ways, he more then makes up for what I am lacking in the other parent in my life. He is not only my father, he is my best friend, my rock and the one who makes everything all better. The relationship I have with my father is similar to the relationship that I often imagine other women have with their mother’s. I know I can talk to him about anything, I respect and desire his opinion and I just want to make him proud of me. My gratitude to the universe for allowing me the privilege to be his daughter is more then I could ever adequately express in words.
This year I seem to be taking Mother’s Day especially hard though, I think because of my PCOS diagnosis and what that means for me fertility wise. I have always said I didn’t want children, that I was too selfish to be a mother, that I would be afraid of what kind of mother I would be. All of that is true, but none of it is the real reason. You see, on some level I haven’t believed I was physically able to have a child. I had a miscarriage in my mid-20s, and ever since then I have known on some level that having a child was going to be difficult for me. And so, I have always said I didn’t want children, even convinced myself of that fact. Because it is easier to believe you don’t want them then it is to accept the fact you can’t have them. Getting the PCOS diagnosis, is just confirmation that for me having children will be very difficult. Not impossible, but difficult.
I am also in a relationship with a man who already has a child, and doesn’t want anymore. I knew that from earlier on, but I love him and accept the fact that being with him means not having a child of my own. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt from time to time. On some level I also thought I could just be a really great step-mother. However, it seems like DBF’s daughter is like I was at her age. She wants her mommy and daddy together, and has no interest in knowing me. Even if he and I end up living together, if she is anything like I was, she will probably never fully accept me. I don’t blame her for that, I of all people really get it. I treated my mom’s new boyfriend exactly the same way. It still hurts a little though, to know that the other important person in your partner’s life doesn’t even like you before they meet you.
And so, because of all of this, I am taking this Mother’s Day particularly hard. I am going to do the things I need to do for me today to try and pull myself out of this funk. This includes going to a meeting today, and DBF is going to take me out and keep me distracted. Despite my own self-pity though, I do want to honour the amazing mother’s I am privileged to know, including my sister and many of my friends. Your love and respect for your children is amazing, and you can see it how wonderful your children are. I hope your children know how amazingly lucky they are to have you in their lives. Happy Mother’s Day to you all!