Day 1 – It’s all about baby steps

The food you eat can either be the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison. – Ann Wigmore

So day 1 of actually putting my plan in action is in the bag. For the most part, things went according to plan although there were a few bumps in the road. Here are some of the highlights/lowlights:

Workout:

My plan to get up early and have  a workout did not happen. When my alarm went off on my phone, I apparently picked up my phone, put it underneath me and went back to sleep. I know that I did this, because that is where I found it an hour later when I actually woke up. It was still early enough to do a short workout (6am), but instead I lay in bed for the next hour and played video games on my phone lol. Getting up early just wasn’t in the cards today apparently.

After work, I was feeling a little guilty about this though, so I decided to walk to my book club from work. Using google maps, I figured out it was a little over 2km. I also decided to time myself to see how long it took me (and so I could see how much exercise time I could log in my tracker). It took me a little over 1/2 hour, which means my normal walking pace is about 4km/hour. Is that fast?

Food:

For the most part I managed to eat “on plan” all day, and tracked every morsel of food that I put in my mouth. That included the two pieces I had of beef tenderloin I had at my book club. Even though I had already had dinner, they just looked too good to not try. They were small pieces though, and I still made sure I put them in my tracker on my phone.

I also had a Peanut Butter cookie from Starbucks this morning. I know, I know, I wasn’t suppose to have that…but they are so yummy. Oh well at least I put it in the tracker. Do you know those things have 480 calories?!?! YIKES! I won’t be doing that again. Once I found that out, I immediately started looking up flour-less peanut butter cookie recipes. I found a few that looked promising, so will keep you posted.

Miscellaneous:

Apparently I did not pack enough food for work today. By mid-afternoon I found myself getting very hungry and I was out of snacks. Tomorrow I will be sure to pack some more veggies and fruit for afternoon snacking.

When walking to book club I stopped just before and picked up dinner. I decided to get a Greek Burger from GBK. This place is great because instead of a bun, you can get your burger  in lettuce wraps. Sounds weird, I know, but was really good and very filling. So filling in fact, I didn’t even eat my whole burger. I ate all the lettuce and toppings and 1/2 the beef patty and realized I was full. So I did the unthinkable  – I stopped eating! I know, crazy but true. I still couldn’t bring myself to throw it away though, so I dug out a lunch tupperware container from my purse and brought it home. I figure it will make a yummy snack or nice addition to breakfast tomorrow.

When I got home tonight, my new box of organic veggies from Mama Earth Organics had arrived YAY! I love fresh veggie day 🙂 I know, I’m weird…but sometimes it’s the little things in life right? I immediately cut up and put all the veggies away so they are all ready for eating. Tomorrow I think I will add Kale to my lunch plan!

So, all in all not a perfect day, but not a bad day. I know it’s only day 1, but I am proud of myself . This journey is not about perfection, it is about making progress. I have demanded perfection from myself for far too long, and only disappointed myself. Today, I will acknowledge the things I did right and learn from the things I did not do so well (notice I did not say wrong.) Especially that peanut butter cookie…480 calories, seriously?!

Less talk, more action

So far I have done a lot of talking on this blog, but have been struggling with implementing my changes. I realized the other day that, despite telling myself I wasn’t setting a start date, I had done exactly that. It was May 1st (Wednesday). However, after a couple of off plan days, I have decided that I am just going to start tomorrow.

So, tonight I took the night off from work and school work and spent the night cooking. I have been a busy little beaver. My fridge is now full of prepared and semi-prepared meals for the week ahead. I have cooked golden beets, peeled carrots, cut peppers and some raw and pre-cooked spinach. I also cooked some chicken and some turkey sausages that I can either pop in the microwave and have with veggies, or can just cut up and put on salad.

Individual Crustless Mini Quiche

Individual Crustless Mini Quiche

I have always a been a big believer of having breakfast in the morning. However, either because I am running late or am too tired, I haven’t been bothered to make it myself. So, I have been picking up an egg white & turkey bacon sandwhich at Starbucks, and just taking the egg and bacon off the english muffin. I know that for me this is not a well-balanced breakfast. First of all it is processed food. I have really begun to hate processed food, I can difference in the taste. Secondly, I am not getting any fruit or veggies with that meal, and end up hungry an hour or so later. So tonight I also made a 1/2 dozen mini crustless quiches, packed full of feta cheese, asparagus, leeks and peppers that I can just grab in the morning. They will be perfect either cold or heated up, with some spinach and a few berries.

And finally, the piece-de-resistance, Quinoa Mac & Cheese. I got the recipe from a website called Moni Meals. I took one of the commenters suggestion, and used plain greek yogurt instead of milk and added a little feta cheese. I also used red peppers and tomatoes in the mix, as well as put a few tomatoes on top. Finally, I sprinkled the whole thing with some chili peppers. I have only had a few bites, but OMG it was super tasty! This will be perfect for lunch, but also for those nights I get home late from work and don’t feel like making anything. I can just heat this up with some steamed asparagus and I am good to go.

Quinoa Mac 'n Cheese

Quinoa Mac ‘n Cheese

Tonight, I am going to bed early. I have a mountain of work to do, but like I said I am taking the night off. I will go to bed, get lots of rest and then get up early so that I have plenty of time for yoga and a quick workout.

So, I am all set for the week. Friday I am off to a bed and breakfast for the weekend with DBF. I have already told the owners that I am grain and sugar free, and they have promised to have meals that I can eat. The B&B is overlooking Rice Lake, with a huge wrap around porch. So, I am going to bring my yoga mat and get up and do some yoga before anyone else is up. Plus we have plans to be out all day exploring, so I will get plenty of exercise. The only thing I need to do is make sure I pack all my supplements and bring a long some healthy snacks just in case.

Finally, I began journaling my negative thoughts today. Wow am I mean to myself! It’s hard to keep doing it, because I would just rather not know. Sometimes keeping your head in the sand is less painful, but you just don’t get anywhere that way. So, I will keep doing it no matter how hard it is.

Actually putting things into action makes me feel a lot better about where I am at. Tomorrow is the first day in a few months that I plan on keeping to the program. It will be hard, but I have done it before and I know I can do it again!

 

The voice inside my head

You’re so mean when you talk about yourself, you are wrong. Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead.

I know quoting song lyrics is really cheesy, but hey sometimes a little cheese isn’t a bad thing. The above is actually a quote from a Pink song. I was working away this morning, and my iTunes was playing in the background. I wasn’t paying any particular attention to the music that was playing, as I only put it on to kill the 6am silence. Suddenly these lyrics seemed to jump out at me from the background. They seemed louder than anything else I had heard all morning, or after for that matter.

I am not a mean person (or at least I don’t think I am) and yet, when it comes to how I talk to myself I am a very nasty person. I am constantly berating myself. I am not a perfectionist, but when it comes to me nothing but perfection is good enough. And if it’s not perfect then that must mean I am pathetic, a loser, worthless, never going to succeed at anything…you get the drift.

You see, it turns out that I don’t like myself very much. I’m not sure why, but nothing I ever do is good enough for me. And I often find myself projecting that opinion I have of myself onto others. I don’t mean that I expect perfection from them, but that I seem to think that others also expect perfection from me. If I don’t think that I am being the best daughter, sister, friend or girlfriend, then I assume that they also think that. And so I withdraw from them, and turn to the only thing that I perceive loves me unconditionally – food.

What I am starting to realize, is that is my ego talking. Not my ego as in I am full of myself, but my ego as in that part of psyche that is controlled by my addiction(s). Unfortunately, my ego has a warped sense of reality and it wants me all to itself. It wants me alone, isolated, using and ultimately dead. If not physically, then at least emotionally and spiritually.

I suffer from something called the law of ones. I can walk into a room with 99 people who think I am amazing and 1 who hates me. When I leave that room, I will only ever remember the 1 who hated me. In life what this means, is I can be perfect every day. I can get up, go to work, eat well, take all my supplements, exercise, do homework…in essence do everything “right”. But if I have 1 day where I do everything right, except maybe not work out that day. All I will remember, think about, obsess about is that one thing I did “wrong”. I will use it as an excuse to bully myself. It will become a reason to call myself a loser, to hate myself.

Here is a prime example.

I am currently taking some online classes, which I love. Continuing my education is something I have wanted to do for a long time. However, due to how busy I have been at work lately, I haven’t been able to keep up with the workload. I have already missed 2 quizzes, and am 2 weeks behind in lectures and reading. My ego is screaming at me to quit. The possibility of getting an A in the class is already gone, so what’s the point? (this is my ego talking) You might as well give up, you were stupid to think you could do this. I, however, am refusing to quit. I will finish the class, even if I only just barely pass. Why? Because if I don’t, it will just be another reason to call myself all sorts of names.

Another example is my current living situation. I am 36 (almost 37) and I still live at home with my father. My reasons are all good reasons; I am paying off my debt, it is expensive to live on your own in my neighbourhood, I don’t like living alone and my dad is an ideal roommate. I also pay rent, contribute to household expenses when I can, buy groceries that we both eat (not that there are many) and try to be a good roommate as well. That sounds good right? Not in my opinion. All I can think of is what how sad and pathetic I am that I still live at home. When I run into people I haven’t seen in a while, and they ask me where I live now, I am embarrassed to admit that I still live with my dad. And without them even asking, I proceed to justify it. Not because they care, because really I know they don’t, but because I am ashamed of it. But there is nothing to be ashamed of!

I know I need to change my inner dialogue. But how do you do that? How do you change what has been built up over years of self-abuse? That is where I am struggling. I have to start with paying attention to my inner dialogue, notice what messages I am telling myself and when. I have decided that for this week I am going to carry a small journal and try to be aware of and write down those negative things I tell myself. I’m not sure what I will do with them after, but for now that doesn’t matter. This will be a start. And I need to remember, if I don’t do it one day don’t use that as an excuse to give up or beat myself up. Just pick myself up the next day and start again.

Them’s be fighting words..

Them's be fightin' words!

Them’s be fightin’ words!

Wherever I go, you are there by my side,
never letting me stand on my own two feet.
You have comforted me in my failures and tainted my success’

I cling to you with one hand, fighting you off with the other.
Without you my life appears empty. And yet, I know it will never be full with you.

You are my constant, always have been. I cannot imagine my life without you but with you, I have no life

Who am I without you? How do I let you go?
My love, my nemesis, My joy, my sorrow

It is time to say farewell, to remove you from my life
The pain will seem almost too much to bear
But I know that freedom waits on the other side

I was browsing through some old journals when I found this poem that I wrote in 2007. It’s not a very good poem, but it was my attempt to put my feelings on paper. I wrote this at another time in my life when I was at a cross-roads with regards to my food addiction.

This poem not only represents how I felt at that time, but also how I am feeling now. But it also pisses me off, because it just shows how little I have progressed in this fight over the last few years. I am so tired of playing this same song over and over.

Here’s the good news….I am angry. How is that good news? Well as much as fear is a paralyzer for me, anger is my motivator. I know, it’s not the healthiest of emotions, but hey “I am what I am”. The one and only time in my adult life that I successfully got my food under control, and managed to lose weight, was because I was angry. I had been called fat ass one too many times in my life, and I fought back in the healthiest way possible. I lost the weight, instead of punching the guy in the face (which trust me was definitely an option in that particular instance.) Now granted, I didn’t manage to keep that weight off, but that was because I didn’t look at the emotion behind the food. This time I am going to do it both ways.

I am angry, because how much time and effort I have spent playing this same record. Imagine how much different my life could be if I have expended that effort elsewhere? I might actually be doing some of the things I have always wanted to do. Things that I don’t do, because I am ashamed of how I look or am always obsessing about how to lose weight. I don’t do the volunteering I want to do. I have always wanted to volunteer with an organization that helps educate people on the importance of healthy eating, but I don’t because I feel like a walking hypocrite. I don’t take the dance/exercise classes I want to because I am afraid of people judging me on my size. My weight, and how I think others perceive me because of it, has beaten me down my whole life. I am tired of it. I am fed up with it. I am angry!

So watch out body, your head is pissed off and isn’t going to take it any more. She is out to show you what you are capable of. To prove to you, herself and the world that you are so much more then your weight. Things are gonna get different around here!