Wherever I go, you are there by my side,
never letting me stand on my own two feet.
You have comforted me in my failures and tainted my success’
I cling to you with one hand, fighting you off with the other.
Without you my life appears empty. And yet, I know it will never be full with you.
You are my constant, always have been. I cannot imagine my life without you but with you, I have no life
Who am I without you? How do I let you go?
My love, my nemesis, My joy, my sorrow
It is time to say farewell, to remove you from my life
The pain will seem almost too much to bear
But I know that freedom waits on the other side
I was browsing through some old journals when I found this poem that I wrote in 2007. It’s not a very good poem, but it was my attempt to put my feelings on paper. I wrote this at another time in my life when I was at a cross-roads with regards to my food addiction.
This poem not only represents how I felt at that time, but also how I am feeling now. But it also pisses me off, because it just shows how little I have progressed in this fight over the last few years. I am so tired of playing this same song over and over.
Here’s the good news….I am angry. How is that good news? Well as much as fear is a paralyzer for me, anger is my motivator. I know, it’s not the healthiest of emotions, but hey “I am what I am”. The one and only time in my adult life that I successfully got my food under control, and managed to lose weight, was because I was angry. I had been called fat ass one too many times in my life, and I fought back in the healthiest way possible. I lost the weight, instead of punching the guy in the face (which trust me was definitely an option in that particular instance.) Now granted, I didn’t manage to keep that weight off, but that was because I didn’t look at the emotion behind the food. This time I am going to do it both ways.
I am angry, because how much time and effort I have spent playing this same record. Imagine how much different my life could be if I have expended that effort elsewhere? I might actually be doing some of the things I have always wanted to do. Things that I don’t do, because I am ashamed of how I look or am always obsessing about how to lose weight. I don’t do the volunteering I want to do. I have always wanted to volunteer with an organization that helps educate people on the importance of healthy eating, but I don’t because I feel like a walking hypocrite. I don’t take the dance/exercise classes I want to because I am afraid of people judging me on my size. My weight, and how I think others perceive me because of it, has beaten me down my whole life. I am tired of it. I am fed up with it. I am angry!
So watch out body, your head is pissed off and isn’t going to take it any more. She is out to show you what you are capable of. To prove to you, herself and the world that you are so much more then your weight. Things are gonna get different around here!