Well, I survived my weekend away with no panic attacks, and no Ativan required! The weekend was amazing, just what I needed. I did have big plans to get some things done while I was gone, but I didn’t really get to any of that.
Some of the things I didn’t do:
- Yoga in the morning
- Eat clean all weekend
- Read the spiritual literature I brought
- Blog or do any school work on my laptop (which I brought)
What did I do then? Simple:
- Spent time with DBF
- Found my spiritual center in the peace and beauty of nature
- Relaxed, relaxed, relaxed! (yes I know I already said this)
I decided early on to just enjoy my weekend. The food we were served was nutritious, healthy and very delicious, so I decided to enjoy it. I did not track it, I did not obsess about it. We got out on Saturday and walked around Peterborough, so that was my exercise. DBF and I just enjoyed each other’s company, without schedules that had to be followed and other people that had to be considered. In short, it was sublime.
A couple of things did come up this weekend. The first happened friday afternoon when we were buying snacks for our room. I was doing a very good job of buying healthy snacks – apples, almond butter, bananas. Then I was lured in by the dreaded sample lady! She was giving out samples of various Skinny Cow products, and I just couldn’t resist. Not because I particularly like Skinny Cow, because I don’t. They are “low-fat, healthy” products, that are full of chemicals and artificial flavouring. But I was hungry and they were free. After trying samples of all of her products (I know, I know…I just couldn’t stop at one) I decided that I was going to buy a box of the Dreamy Clusters, because they just tasted so darn good 🙂
DBH saw me with the box, and asked me what I was doing. I should note here, that he does not tell me what I should or should not eat, but he does try to be my voice of reason because I have told him that he could do that for me. He asked me what the calorie content and sugar content was per serving. Before I knew what I was doing, I lied! I told him the sugar content was only 5g/serving, when in fact it was 10g. Of course the worst thing that could happen, when you have just lied, happened – he asked to look at the box. Darn it! He didn’t ask because he didn’t believe me, but I knew that I was busted so I fessed up.
Why did I lie? It’s the same reason that an alcoholic lies about their drinking, or a gambler lies about how much they are betting. Because we want to use, and we don’t want people judging us. It is really that simple.
The other thing that I began to realize was how warped my view of my body size is. There was another couple staying at the B&B this weekend as well, and the wife was also plus sized. At one point, I asked DBF “Am I the same size as her?” He looked at me like I was crazy. He didn’t believe I was serious. “Um No! She is about 1-1/2 of you”. I was serious by the way. I don’t know what size I actually am. I know what my weight is, and I know what size clothing I wear, but I truly don’t know how that actually translates into my physical size.
This is not something new. There have been times in my life where I have thought I was very overweight, only to see pictures later on and realize that I wasn’t. There have also been times where I have thought I was thinner then I am. I think that my perception of how big or small I look is directly related to how I am feeling about myself. If I like myself, then I feel “thinner”. If I am full of self doubt and self loathing, then I feel “fatter”. I think it might also have something to do with how much my weight has fluctuated over the years. In the past 10 years I have been a size 22, a size 10 and everything in between. I often joke that my attic is like a used clothing store for plus-size women lol
Why does this matter? It doesn’t really. The only reason it bothers me, is because I find that I am constantly looking at other women trying to judge what size I am in comparison to them. I think I do this because I am looking for some kind of validation that I am “better than”. That no matter how big I am, I can always say “At least I am not as big as her”. This is so wrong, because really who am I to judge?
I hate when I feel that I am being judged by other people, so why am I doing it to other women. Just like someone may not know my story, I don’t know hers. I don’t know if she’s a food addict, has been abused, has PCOS or a metabolic condition. She could just not give a rats ass, but how do I know that? I need to remember the old adages: Judge not, lest ye be judged and Do unto others as you would have others do unto you and stop judging these women. But most of all, I need to stop judging myself.