I started this blog back in 2010 but never took it anywhere. Like a lot of things in my life I was full of big ideas and poor follow through.
I originally started this blog because I was having some health problems and was trying to find a way to chronicle my journey in getting better. However, I didn’t realize how serious my condition was and eventually just went back to living the way I was living. Fast forward three years and here I am in worse shape then I was before. Slowly my body is shutting down bit by bit. Doctors and Naturopaths haven’t been able to figure out what is wrong with. However, they have narrowed it down to two possibilities – PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and Severe Adrenal Fatigue. One is curable but controllable (PCOS) while the other is curable but harder to do so. For both I have been told to do that same; avoid grain and sugar, exercise more, control my stress and hopefully lose weight. I say hopefully lose weight because unfortunately both conditions make it extremely hard to do. In addition, with adrenal fatigue, I have to be careful not to push myself too much because that could only make my condition worse.
Sounds like fun, huh?
The whole thing has been very frustrating and overwhelming, especially the uncertainty of it all. I don’t like uncertainty. I am the type of person who likes to know what is wrong, how to fix and then goes about getting it done. I like consistency. I like structure. Without both of them I feel lost. Unfortunately with life, and especially with my life right now, there is no certainty. That really pisses me off lol but I am slowly learning that there is nothing that I can do about it.
And so every day I get up and put one foot in front of the other and try to keep an optimistic point of view. I try to stay strong and not complain. I am the person that people look at and say she is “strong”. I am the person that people come to when they need help, advice or just an ear to listen. I don’t like to “bother” other people with my problems. Even my best friend of 22 years don’t know everything that goes in my head. I don’t like to be a pest, or at least that’s how I look at it. And so I keep shoving everything down and trudging forward. Unfortunately, there is only so much the emotion and physical body can take before it begins to crack. And I have cracked a few times.
Right now I am on the verge of cracking again. I have been feeling overwhelmed and annoyed by everything. I am trying to stay positive, look on the bright side and keep my stress and anxiety in check (oh yeah I also have an anxiety disorder – I am real catch huh?) but have been really struggling. I know that I need to start talking about my struggles and getting it all out there. Otherwise I will stay locked up inside the bubble I call my brain and get so overwhelmed that I can’t deal anymore. I am the kind of person who can only ever see the hurdles in front of me and never the ones behind me that I have already cleared.
And so I am laying it all out on the table for all to see, assuming of course that anyone actually reads this. And if nobody does I am ok with that as well. If nothing else I will have a chronicle of my journey – the good, the bad and the ugly – for me to look back on and see how far I have come. I will have a record of my success, my failures, how far I have come and the things I still have to work on.
And so it is a new beginning – of my new blog, of my journey to health, of treating myself better and hopefully of my new life.
This post had to be rewritten since I accidentally reverted to an old draft copy. It is probably not exactly the same as the first one, but I tried to express all the same sentiments.